This was another thought but it got long so I decided to make it its own post.
I’m not trying to find as many things wrong with me as I possibly can and I feel like I’m constantly making that impression: I’m just trying to understand myself better and figure out ways to cope. I’ve improved in a lot of ways, and gotten worse in others. I’m graduating high school with no higher than a 2.2 GPA, but I’m smart and I grasp concepts fairly easily. I’m not a bad test taker; there really isn’t any kind of test that I particularly suck at. I’ve always been like this. I was in a “gifted” program in elementary school and middle school and I’ve been confident with myself in regards to my intelligence ever since I can remember. But that means nothing when I’ve simply got no motivation to show it, and no ability to stay motivated. The only way I can even be motivated is to literally motivate myself to even be willing to BE motivated.
Why would I wish to be so miserable? is a question I’d ask to everyone who tells me that it isn’t hard if I just try, and I’d love to try, but I never could. And I don’t know why. And my parents have tried to punish me by taking away my internet, and I’ve tried to keep it away myself, but what do I do instead? I lay in bed. I sleep. I somehow exhaust myself so much that I use sleep as a way of procrastinating. And if I am not sleeping, I’m just laying there, with absolutely nothing going through my mind. I’m not really sad anymore, I don’t think. I’m overly emotional and I have anxiety and of course my misophonia brings me down quite often and I do have moments of self-harm and suicidal thoughts… which totally sounds condescending… but really, I’m not sad at all. I’m just lazy and lethargic and lackadaisical.
Apathetic is a good word, too. I just feel like I’ve conditioned myself to feel that as long as I’m still living and breathing, then everything’s fine. Which I suppose is not a horrible mindset to adopt in stressful situations, but surprisingly, something like that actually can be taken too far. It’s like, oh, I’m too tired to shower, I might feel gross and disgusting all day. Oh well. Who cares, I’ll get through it. All day turns into all week. Why do I do that? I didn’t do any of my homework, oh well, who cares, it won’t kill me. I’m failing my classes, oh well, who cares, it won’t kill me.
I’m almost scared to go to another doctor. One, because I’m finding myself in doctor’s offices almost every other week now, and two, because of the constant fear that I’m… well, normal. That I just suck, that I’m not trying hard enough. And maybe that is true! But I just don’t want to fix it. I mean, I want to, but… yeah. I think we all know where this is going. It’s just hard. And every time I find something that might explain why I’ve been acting a certain way for so long, I try to do research, and it’s like, “What to do with your child who has ADHD” and rarely anything about adults. I know adults do go for diagnostic tests and nothing is stopping me from doing the same thing, but it all just feels so silly. Why am I so ashamed to ask for professional help when I know, and everyone else knows, it’s what I need? It feels fake! Especially after an entire lifetime of everyone implying that it’s my fault! And after all the negative tests I’ve gotten from physical doctors… I feel like it’ll be similar with the psychological ones as well. I got therapy for one thing and I got over it. And now I need to go back, but it feels pointless.
I don’t know where this is going. I need to get into bed and just get over myself. I’d like to tell myself that things might change at the end of June, but c’mon, let’s be real. We all know nothing ever works out the way we plan.