Okay, kid, this is where it gets complicated...

I’m sick of being ashamed of what’s always been in my life - mess. I’m sick of setting goals that were supposed to be achieved over a year ago. I’m sick of comparing myself to people who are amazing at everything they touch. This summer changed my perspective so much. I’m just not one of those people, I never will be. But that doesn’t mean I’m stuck being bad. I’m just not as lucky. I don’t know how to grasp the opportunities that are thrown in my path. I see so much beauty everywhere, and I never think to take any of it for myself. I just think, “I could have this, but I don’t.” I could have a perfect bedroom, but I don’t know where to start cleaning it. Every time I even try, I end up back at square one. Do you know what being a hoarder is like? I don’t fucking want this. I have the most beautiful image of what I want it to be like in my head, but I’ve had that image since September. Yes, there are things I need to buy and things I need to dismantle, but I just haven’t. It’s not easy. I could come up with some amazing photo ideas, and I’ve only come up with one actual series idea since July, but it won’t happen for months, if it ever even does. Everyone around me works so hard. I don’t know what that’s like. I could have people model for me and shoot some really amazing stuff, but I’m too nervous to ask. I bring it up, but I just hesitate. I’ll never be good at something if I don’t practice, I know that. What is holding me back? I could write captivating stories. I could shoot beautiful photos. I could have a room that people would be jealous of. I could be fit. I could paint everything I’ve ever wanted to paint without it looking like it was done by a five year old. I could get better grades. I could be so amazing. People always tell me I am. People know I am; I know I could be. So what the hell is holding me back?