Anyways. My sister’s wedding is in two months from today and I fear that I will be too fat for my dress which has still not shipped. Also I have to make a speech but I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do that. And the whole, standing in front of 160 people just holding a bouquet of flowers while I try not to lose my balance on my blister-inducing wedges and/or look too distressed thing doesn’t sit so well with me either, but it’s not like I’m gonna be the center of attention, but I am the maid of honor and all, so some attention will still be on me. But of course, my fears are not just limited to gaining a few pounds and looking like an idiot. How do you write a speech for your sister when you hated her fiancé for the first two years you knew him? Or without sounding too cliche? The last year and a half has been spent talking about this day nonstop so it’ll be nice when it’s finally over… but then what? I don’t want to imagine my sister pregnant. That’s horrible of me to say. I know my brother’s wife is eight months pregnant so it shouldn’t be weird to me to think of my sister starting a family as well.
I guess the whole concept of “change” and “growing up” and “moving on” still fucks with my head. And I will forever be haunted by the idea that my relatives are going to either be dead or too old to care when it’s my time. This is what comes with being the baby of the family and of the family’s friends and of everyone you know. That when it comes to be your time, nobody gives a fuck. Rather, nobody gives as many fucks as they did before, when everyone else was in the spotlight. I don’t care what anyone says. It’s the sad truth. I spent the majority of my childhood at the house of a family that was quite close to my family. Then we stopped going when I was in middle school. We were still close to them, spent a lot of holidays with them and everything, we just didn’t/don’t see them quite as often. And when we see them now, they ask about my sister and brother. They ask about the soon-to-be baby, and the soon-to-happen wedding. They don’t ask me about what I’ve been doing with my life, what I plan to do, what I plan to be. Not in depth, at least. I know the last time they really knew me was when I was little, but they could at least get to know me again. And obviously, I’m not the center of attention or anything, but fuck, if I’m around, don’t ask me about my siblings. Ask me about ME.
I don’t want to grow up too fast. That’s not what I’m trying to say. I know I still have plenty of time and should just focus on school and college and my job and getting my license and doing things that seventeen year olds should be doing. I just can’t help the inevitable thought that I’m not as important, even if it’s not true. It’s just hard being a decade behind everyone around you.